Sometimes I can’t believe I’ve been a mom for almost 11 years. I always knew that motherhood was part of my life’s plan, and while a lot of it hasn’t been exactly the way I imagined it would be when I was younger, I wouldn’t change any of it. Becoming a mom is absolutely the best decision I’ve ever made — it has taught me so much about myself as a person. Motherhood gave me a greater sense of purpose and has pushed me in so many ways. It has also taught me so many important lessons.
The most important lesson I’ve learned as a mom is to let go and go with the flow. Nothing is ever the way you expect it to be. You can either lean into that and use it to your advantage, or you can rail against it and make life harder for yourself.
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Motherhood was an adventure from the first day.
When my son was born, I had so many ideas about who he was going to be and who I was going to be as a mom. And let me tell you, that stuff went out of the window pretty quickly. My son came into the world with an agenda, but he was never going to share it with me ahead of time. That little boy threw me for a loop at every opportunity, which is saying something for someone who couldn’t even hold his own head up.
First he decided that he was only going to nurse from my left breast no matter what I did. He was also incredibly ambivalent about taking a bottle. He preferred his meals straight from the source. So I spent a lot of time cradling his little body to mine while he nursed and I played round after round of Candy Crush on my phone.
I was determined to breastfeed him for a year, and I ended up nursing him for almost four. People thought I was crazy, and maybe I was. But I went with the flow and that’s where it took us. When I decided I was done, he was too. I expected him to be pretty upset about the whole thing, but he understood that it was time and that I would provide him comfort in new ways.
The sleep issue was a major lesson to learn for me.
Sleep was the biggest challenge of the early years of my motherhood. I tried so many different things to get my son to sleep: lotions, white noise, warm baths right before bed, etc. Nothing worked. We had a routine and I tried a schedule, but he was like, “Nice try, lady.”
I told you – he had an agenda that he was never going to share with me. Sleep training was futile; cry it out was never an option. (He could cry like nobody’s business.) Eventually I had to realize that I had to stop forcing him into the box I was trying to put him in. If I wanted him to sleep, I was going to have to just go along with his plan. My son was nocturnal, like a little raccoon or something. Part of it was due to circumstances, but also, that’s just who he was. He wanted to be awake when he was supposed to be asleep.
He didn’t sleep through the night until he was 3, almost 4. And when he finally did it, he was fine. I had worried for so long that there was something wrong with him, but when I let it go, he was fine.
Sometimes it was inconvenient, but once I learned how to work around it and even work with it, everything felt OK. For so long I had let his sleeping stress me out, but he wasn’t stressed. As soon as I just let it be what it was, we both slept a lot easier. According to his doctor, his body just doesn’t need as much sleep as I think he does. Now he sleeps just fine.
I had to give him the space to try, which gave me the space to understand him better.
Some people would be surprised at how hands-off I am with my son considering he’s an only child and I was a single parent for six years. We’re incredibly close, but a helicopter mom I am not. I couldn’t be even if I wanted to be because my son has always been incredibly independent. He's always wanted a companion for his adventures, not someone to tell him no.
As soon as he figured out how to walk, he was ready to climb. We spent a lot of time at the playground, and he wasn’t content with the dinky little toddler jungle gym. No, this kid wanted to run after the big kids and climb with them. I could keep trying to ease him back toward the things that felt safe, or I could let him go and see what happened.
I don’t know how many times I would climb up and down the jungle gym with him, being there to hold his hand on the steps that were too big for his little legs. Then one day I got up with him and he stopped me. “No Mommy,” his little voice chirped. “I do it.” And he never looked back.
Other adults at the playground would look at me like I was a negligent parent, but I would simply say, “He’s got it.” By letting go, I allowed him to figure things out on his own, which is what he prefers anyway. Of course, he knew that I was right there if he got scared or couldn’t do something.
I would never let him get hurt if we could avoid it. Sometimes he had to learn lessons the hard way, but I was still there with a kiss and maybe a bandage.
Our current season has been full of lessons for me to learn.
As he got older, it was a constant practice of letting him figure things out on his own. I couldn’t be with him all day when he started school. I had to trust that I had taught him everything he needed to know so he could successfully navigate his peers and teachers.
Any time I would try to hover, he’d remind me that he needed to do things on his own. Much like with weaning and sleeping and walking, he came into things in his own time. Potty training was particularly rough, if I’m being honest. But the more I gave him the time and space to figure things out, the more we both learned.
Raising a tween is the greatest lesson in letting go. My son is very much his own person, and part of that is because I’ve given him the space to become an individual. Is it easy? Absolutely not. I’ve been a kid already, and although I know it’s a wholly different experience now than it was in the '90s, some things are universal.
Bullies still exist on the playground. When I was his age, I was picked on. I’ve tried to give him advice and make him feel empowered to stand up for himself. But he’s not the kid I was, so I have to let him do it his way. So far it seems to be working. As much as I want to, I can’t fight his battles for him.
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I'm proud of the mom I am today because I let go of the preconceived notions I had about motherhood.
Everyone who meets my son tells me how great of a job I’ve done raising him. He’s such a kind, respectful, empathetic boy, they say. I always thank them for their compliments, but I say I cannot take all the credit.
“I just follow his lead,” I admit. This kid has known who he is from the minute the doctor laid him on my chest in the hospital. I realize that my job as his mom isn’t to make him the person I want him to be but to support the person he wants to be. The more I let go, the more I allow him to bloom. It’s scary, but it’s also beautiful.
I thought that letting go would keep me from being the mom I believed myself to be. But it actually showed me the mom I was supposed to be, which is an even better lesson.
