We've seen it before. Children from a previous relationship come into a new family, and the existing family doesn't always accept them. Sometimes they don't feel they are a real niece, nephew, or grandchild. It's hurtful to the children and the adults who don't understand why their family members are being so cruel to innocent kids.
A woman posted in Reddit's AITA forum to air some dirty laundry about her family. She and her wife have been together for eight years. Children from a previous relationship came as part of the package, and the original poster welcomed them with open arms. Of course, things were just fine and dandy until OP's brother had a baby and her parents started referring to the little girl as their "first grandchild."
OP and her wife are offended, and the kids are hurt. A recent family get-together ended in a blowout, and OP canceled Thanksgiving plans. But she wonders if that was taking things too far.
OP has been in the kids' lives for a long time.
OP, 32, and her wife, Ava, 34, have been together for nearly a decade. Ava was a single mom with three young kids when they met. They married three years into their relationship and now share a son, 16, and two daughters, 10 and 12. OP has been in it for the long haul.
"I've watched these kids grow up, I've read the bedtime stories, done bath time, the first days of school, pta meetings, all of it. I very much consider them to be my kids, and they've been calling me mom for almost 6 years now," she explained.
She goes on to mention that she also legally adopted the children. But even before that, she considered them her own kids.
There is a new baby in the family.
OP's brother, 28-year-old Ivan, and his fiancée Sarah, 27, recently welcomed a baby girl. The family is ecstatic, and OP loves her niece, and her kids adore her too. It's nice for the kids to have a cousin because it's been just them for so many years.
"My kids have been the only grandchildren on my side of the family since Ava and I got together, and there's never been a moment where the kids and my wife were treated like they didn't belong. My brother is their uncle, my mom and dad are their nana and pop — the kids see my family as their family and I always thought that my family felt the same way about them," OP wrote.
But the family was all together for a visit recently, and things got awkward.
There was a small gathering at Ivan's house, so OP went and brought her kids. Her parents stopped by and brought some gifts for the baby. It was quite a haul, and Ivan joked, "they were going to end up spoiling her rotten."
His mother declared that the baby was her first grandchild and, of course, she would spoil her.
OP was like, WTH is going on?
The other grandchildren were sitting right there.
If it wasn't bad enough that OP's mother said it, she ran her mouth in front of the other grandchildren. Or at least who OP thought she considered her grandchildren, but apparently not.
Sara didn't understand and piped up, "oh you mean first grandbaby, not first grandchild."
OP's father reiterated that the baby was, in fact, the first grandchild, and that's when it all hit the fan.
OP sent her kids outside.
Clearly, the kids were upset. Not only are they old enough to know what is going on, but the things that were said were also incredibly hurtful. OP sent them to the car so she could talk to her parents privately. She wanted to know "why the hell they'd say that" and her mom stated that they couldn't be their grandchildren because they aren't really OP's kids anyway.
Oh no, she didn't.
Thanksgiving is now officially off.
Done with her parents' BS, OP decided to uninvite them to the Thanksgiving celebration she and Ava plan to host.
"I told my parents that if they didn't view my kids as their family, then they could just host a meal at their own house with their 'real' family while I spent the holiday with mine," she wrote.
She didn't hold back. But why should she? Her parents made her and her children feel small and unloved.
And now, the apologies are rolling in.
OP's mother sent a text with a half-hearted apology, seemingly to get back on the guest list for the big dinner.
"My mom texted saying that she and my dad love the kids, but they still aren't their grandchildren, and she hopes that we can come to understand that because she doesn't want this to ruin my niece's first thanksgiving," she explained.
Lady, that is not making things better.
OP reminded us that her parents asked the kids to call them Nana and Pop. Plus, Ava's parents aren't in the picture because she came out as a lesbian and they disapprove of that. OP's parents are the only grandparents the kids have ever known. In an edit to her post, she also said their biological father isn't involved in their lives.
Ivan is also mad and thinks OP overreacted. But did she, or is she just being a good mom?
OP adopted the kids years ago.
Even if it wasn't officially on paper, OP explained that the kids were always hers. But she legally adopted them. How do her parents not see that? Redditors didn't get it.
"Doubling down on the nonsense like that's a reasonable explanation is the part that hurt my feelings," someone commented. "Adopted children are real family members. Foster children are real family members. Kids in blended family situations have real feelings. omygosh — this was so unnecessary and hurtful. I don't blame OP for taking a step back."
Even though it didn't matter to OP and Ava whether it was official, it is still worth pointing out.
"NTA, OP. Don't host them at your house for Thanksgiving if this is how they're gonna treat your kids. Especially NOT after you officially adopted them," another comment read. "That attitude is appalling."
Sadly, other people have experienced the same circumstances.
As one person wrote, "My own adoptive father once told me 'as much as we'd like for you to be our daughter, you are not. You do understand, don't you?' I've never forgotten any single details, not even what he was wearing, so traumatic it was. I understand how you feel, hugs to you!"
Were the grandparents being shady before the new baby came along?
Someone made an interesting observation. "Your parents essentially used your children as their stand in grandchildren until the baby came. If your brother didn't have a kid, they would still be the grandparents they were," the person wrote. "They literally said that in front of your kids, basically telling them that their time is over. Your brother as a parent himself who has a relationship with your kids, is now basking in the love and attention your parents are showing him."
Hmmm. That is something to consider.
These people took on grandparent names, one person pointed out. "Yikes! You don't let kids call you Nana and Pop for years and then declare they aren't your grandchildren."
There are some people who think that the grandparents are justified in their thinking.
An unpopular opinion, but an argument nonetheless, is that OP's parents don't have to feel compelled to be her children's grandparents.
"You adopted the kids. Your parents didn't. They didn't agree to assign a biological equality with any other biological grandchildren they might have. There is none of their blood running through your kids veins," one person explained. "And that's perfectly fine, but you're demanding they feel what they don't feel. But they aren't required to feel like you do about your kids."
"YTA — just because you've adopted or raised these kids doesn't mean that someone else is required to feel the same way. I'm sure they're great kids and you have a wonderful family but they also (presumably) have grandparents from their mother and father," someone else commented. "You need to stop expecting others to feel the way that you do. It should be enough that they have been welcomed members of your parents family for 8 years — they are not required to view them as their grandchildren. Next you'll be wanting them to inherit."
Even though some people disagreed, most sided with OP.
The situation sucks for OP, Ava, and the kids. The grandparents are treating them all unkindly, and it hurts. Yes, some people think OP is forcing a relationship on her parents that they don't think is natural, but most do not. A pretty overwhelming majority like OP and think she is a fantastic mom.
The family may not resolve the disagreement in time for Thanksgiving. Hopefully, in time, OP's parents will open their hearts a bit and recognize that the children are hers and they are not going anywhere. They deserve to be full members of the family.
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